CHANGE

Change is a terrifying word sometimes isn't it? The mere word signifies something that almost everyone fears, at least to some point. Just hearing that something is going to change sends people's heart rates through the roof; pulses sky rocket, and tempers flair. Just because something is changing though doesn't mean it's always a "bad" thing though of course. But, how often do we hear the word without immediately thinking of something bad that may happen? Not often.

So, speaking of change, my life is changing like crazy right now. Here's the deal, I'm now out of place in the work world. Oh yes, it's quite true. I quit my job on Thursday and my last day is going to be next Saturday. If the fact that I am now unemployed isn't terrifying in and of itself, I also have zero prospects for a new one. I'm trying to get a job at Starbucks; I'm trying to get a job at different restaurants; I'm trying to get a job at the river this summer. It's scary crap my friends. I hate not having a job. One of my great friends just got fired too, so, at least I have someone to mourn with right? heh, right.

Oh, next on the list, I adore being single most of the time OK, but lately it's been becoming a major pain in the neck! Everywhere I go I have friends trying to set me up with different guys, I have a ton of guys I know asking me out because they know I am now single, and I really do not enjoy turning people down. Having a significant other really does relieve some of the stress because being off the market can be really relaxing. Getting back into the game can be traumatizing too, no lie. I don't like being some object or prize to be won. It's disgusting.

At last, my list of things to accomplish in the next few months:

#1. Find a new job. (in the next few weeks)
#2. Find a really great guy. (giving that quite a few months)
#3. Learn how to play guitar. (give that more than a few months)
#4. Learn to speak Spanish. (who wants to take bets on if that will actually happen?)
#5. Write a new song. (And actually record it)
#6. Forget about the past as much as I can. (it's already happening believe it or not)
#7. Lose 15 more pounds and look amazing for summer (oh yes, it's happening)
#8. Get A's in my classes this semester (well on my way)
#9. Travel this summer. (Palm Springs, Washington; just a couple on the list)
#10. LOVE.

So that is my short short list of things I want to get done in the next few months (or so) and I am going to mark them off this summer as I go. There will be an update in a short time in which I will tell how many things I accomplished.

For now, I need to go get ready to leave. Oh what a busy busy life I have.

Stress, it's what pushes us to live; to love; and to learn.

As Always,
Vivo Amare Imparare
-Hannah

The Way I See Things

To start things off today; as you all can see it has been an extremely long time since my last post. This is partially due to the fact that I haven't had a whole lot of time lately and also because my life has been such a mess that I didn't feel like writing about anything. I'm back on my feet, and I'm here to stay.

I said my life has been a mess lately right. Well, that very well could be the understatement of the century but regardless, I finally found my way back to where and who I want to be. I find it amazing that one can lose him or herself without even noticing it and then when he or she wants to find who he or she was in the past it's a maze of mistakes and wrong turns that they look back on and can't believe they made.

All of this intro just to say that, I made a huge mistake and can't take it back. I found myself again. The person I found is slightly roughed up and bruised around the edges but she's back. I fell in love; I lost who I wanted to be; I turned into someone I swore I would never become; and when it was all said and done there was one thing I had to show for it; experience. I finally know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back. I know what wrong turns it takes to completely lose myself. Last of all, I've learned that I'm worth way more than I ever realized before. It still takes a long time for things to be resolved though. Everyone I know is more than well aware of how often I use lyrics from my favourite songs to describe the state of my life; so here are the lyrics that have been going through my head lately.

And people asking how I'm doing

But every question still has you in

I say I'm fine And I never think about you

But you're always on my mind

********************

Please speak slowly

My heart is learning

Teach me heartache

Stop this burning now

And now we're too far gone

Hope is such a waste

Every breath you take

You give me the burden's bitter taste

You promised that you'd stay

You say you want to go

Your lips provide a shelter to the

Things that I don't know

*********************

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face

And it never feels out of place

And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace

I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

**********

That's a short summary of the mess of lyrics that are cycling through my head like a tornado right now. I don't know what I'm doing with my life currently but I do know that whatever happens it's going to be epic because I'm done letting other people control what I do with my life. I was fooled into thinking I was in control for quite sometime, then I realized that someone I loved was pulling the strings. My life is God's. And I plan on letting him control it from here on out. I made my mistakes, I made my bed and now I have to lye in it but my life can only get better from here. This is one last song. This one is by me.

It's Not You

**

Stop pretending

That it's a picture perfect world.

Stop acting like my life is yours.

Don't deceive me

Like I'm a naive little girl.

I'm my own.

I'm not yours.

And I just want you to know

***

I'm through with the promises

That never will come true

I'm through with the pictures

That I dreamt up of you.

I'm through with the lies

Of an idealistic life.

If you ever come around again

I'll tear through you're disguise

***

What would you do
If you were in my shoes?
What would you say
If I'd ruined your whole day?
Better yet, what would you do
If I didn't give a damn about you?
***
Well that's the end I'm through.
It's not you.

***

I am getting

That it's just not a perfect world.

I'm moving on I'm not your girl.

Don't believe me?

Well too bad 'cause you're not my man

I'm my own.

I'm not yours.

And I just want you to know

***

I'm through with the promises
That never will come true
I'm through with the pictures
That I dreamt up of you.
I'm through with the lies
Of an idealistic life.
If you ever come around again
I'll tear through you're disguise
***
What would you do

If you were in my shoes?

What would you say If I'd ruined your whole day?

Better yet, what would you do

If I didn't give a damn about you?

***

Well that's the end I'm through.

It's not you.

***

It's not you-- It's not you

It's not you

It's not you

***

And that about does it for my view of the world outside my window. I hope you enjoyed this update. Keep checking in for updates and as always, feel free to tell me what you think.

Vivo Amare Imparare

Hannah

An Endless Battle. (All Is Lost)

I sit here pondering exactly what makes people keep striving to live. After one has lost all that they ever wanted to live for what's the point to keep going? There's a point at which we all want to give in and sink into that grave because we feel it to be the all to easy escape. When darkness and light meet and we can't tell the difference between the two contrasting emotions and forces.Should faith be forgotten? Should that which we have been supposedly seeking after be tossed to the side of the road and trampled over on our way to a meaningless end? Who is to be the judge of whether or not our end is indeed meaningless or valuable?

After losing it all. All that I have held so dear and all that I have wanted to live for I realized there is a force that keeps pushing us. You can choose to ignore that force or you can choose to let it pull you along and hope and pray that in the end it will lead you to something better or more meaningful than what you have lost. I've been pushing back. Trying to remain in a place that is being torn apart piece by piece and will not be left standing even with me in it. I've been trying to fight the impossible fight and realized that it's a war I cannot win. The dark met the light and the two forces melded into something I couldn't understand. There's a choice. Love that which is lost forever or embrace that which could lead to joy.

I have not decided.

-Hannah

Merry Christmas

Or whatever you want to call it. Seriously now, whatever you want to call the holiday is fine with me. But what I'm calling it is Christmas.

As the end of the year approaches there are many things I've learned. Some of these I have learned the easy way and others I have learned through allot of difficult experiences. First of all, I learned that I have been lying to myself for a long time. By the way, I would be lying to you too if I said this is going to be an upbeat post. But as I was saying, I was lying to myself for a long time. One of the things I have always said I lived by and I encouraged my friends to live by as well is to live your own life. I have always said I live my life and don't let anyone live it for me. I was wrong about that. For so long I've really been letting people control me. I've been letting my fear of what people think of me control the way I act. But I'm not letting that happen anymore. That's one of my soon to be new years resolutions.

Something else I've learned this year is that I am not invincible. I've been sick since May and I'm not really getting much better. I need to go see a nutritionist and have tons of stuff done to help my immune system and it terrifies me. Thus, invincibility seems to be unachievable to me at the current time.

What else is there that I've learned? I learned that I'm not as good at putting up walls as I thought I was. Hannah's inner dialogue once said "I'm not even going to have a boyfriend until I'm finished getting my AA. That way I can focus on school and what's really important. Besides, what guy is going to be interested in me anyway when I'm this busy?" My inner dialogue was wrong! Since I last thought that my life has completely changed. I found someone amazing and I'm really happy with him. I never thought that I would find someone as early in life as I have. But I'm completely thrilled I have. If you want to know more about this you'll just have to email me and ask. No more pointless details now. But to finish up with this, I have learned allot about what love is and how much commitment it requires. Love isn't that lovey dovey stuff you always hear about. It's being completely committed to someone through the best and worst of times. Emphasis on the worst of times. That requires allot of maturity which I was really amazed to find out I actually have.

Back to the Christmas part of this blog. My family celebrated Christmas yesterday on Christmas Eve which is according to our tradition and it was one of the best Christmas's I've ever had. I really loved spending time with my family and of course I got good gifts. New laptop anyone? I got a new laptop for the new semester. This is something that will definitely help with my English class. My laptop was by far my favourite present this year. But the best part of Christmas was still spending it with my family. Of course it would have been nice to spend it with this special guy that I mentioned above but alas, we will have to wait a couple more days to see each other. Oh thank you holidays for depriving me of a social life.

Now, what's the new year looking life for me you may ask. I'm going to be busy! It's called school and work my friends; school and work are the two things that take up my whole life. There will be far more work this semester than last semester however. Two days a week will be devoted to school from 9am till 10pm. The rest of the days will be devoted to work. Growing up is not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be when I was younger and daydreaming about being an adult.

This concludes my Christmas blog and my view of the world outside my window for today.

I hope everyone has a great Christmas, and if you don't hear from me again until January have a wonderful new year.

As always,
Vivo amare imparare
-Hannah

My New Life

Pretty intimidating title right? My new life is also rather intimidating I must say.

So get ready for a crazy update that will include some of what I've been going through in the last couple months. I also apologize for this new post taking so long to write. I've just been far to busy to do anything concerning free time.

So I'm a college student now!!! Yes, it is true. I graduated early from high school which most of my friends already know, but I'm also going to Folsom Lake College and am attempting to get my AA in Journalism. My life has taken a turn towards the insane category as of late. I'm not only going to college and taking 12 units, but I am also working part time at Trader Joe's still. With these two somewhat exhausting things in my life I am trying to keep from burning out.

College is insane. Yes this is what I have to say about my first semester in college. I love it. I hate it. I am learning allot. I am also missing allot. I am currently taking four classes: Sociology 300, Philosophy 350 (Philosophy of Religion), English 300, and Nutrition 300. Yes that totals up to 12 units. I am a full time student and I am trying desperately to keep up with all my work. I have a midterm due on Wednesday that I was privileged to take home with me this week, and I have a midterm on Wednesday night for my philosophy class. School is not my favourite part of my life. I will tell you that much right now. I would rather not be taking so many classes but it was kind of a requirement if I wanted to keep living at home.

Work is equally as insane as college. I am desperately attempting to work as many hours as possible and still keep up with my school work. I recently decided to ask for training in other areas in the store so that I will be able to work even more hours than I already am. Yes, this is going to cost me allot more sleep than I am already loosing. I am currently only getting 6 hours of sleep a night. And that is only if I'm LUCKY to get that much. Work drama bugs the hell out of me. I'm not going to lie. I get really sick of it really fast and it just stresses people out for no reason whatsoever. I'm determined to not stress over it though because people can say and think what they wish about me, but that's not going to change any portion of reality. Yes, I have only recently come to this realization but God knows I'm happy I finally realized it. =D

Love? You know I always include a paragraph about love. It's just a major part of my life that I feel shows allot about who I am as a person. Of course I'm going to tell people about what shows the most of who I am. Love is a word that I think I didn't fully understand until just recently. I know I have written about it in the past and I only wrote to the extent of my knowledge of what it truly means. According to Merriam Webster Online, (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Love) love is:

1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b: an assurance of love 2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1): a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2)British —used as an informal term of address

I don't think this definition even comes close to defining what love in it's truest, most complete form consists of. Love is the willingness to forfeit ones own existence for another. It is a bond that throws all sense of selfishness and conceitedness out the window. It is as if all of one's own ambitions no longer matter but it is the happiness of the one whom he or she loves that is the most important thing in the entire world. If you ask me if I speak from experience my only response is that of a simple word: Yes. I do speak from experience. Now this is not to say that love couldn't be even more than this, but it is to say that I have finally understood love to this extent.

So this is my life as of the past few months. Mind you, this is an extremely short summarizing of my life. I will try to keep you more updated in the future. It will just depend on the time I have to myself so that I can write this blog. As of today however, this is all for the world outside my window.

Remember always,
Vivo Amare Imparare
-Hannah

Work, School, Work, School, Does it ever end?

I think everyone would agree that it absolutely "blows" to be a journalism student and have writer's block. Am I right? Classes are about to start up and I am having writer's block with the simplist of things. I definitely need some inspiration. I plan on finding some this week before school starts up.

For now however I'll update everyone on my life. I'm finally enrolled in classes and am taking some really great courses this semester. Philosophy, English, Sociology, and Nutrition. All of them are classes I'm excited about. All of them will require allot of writing; and allot of them will require allot of reading. So, I will be really busy this semester. I'm working one job right now and in september I'll have another one lined up for about 5 months of work. Two jobs and school; what am I thinking?!

I know what I'm thinking. Two jobs and a year of school equal a few months of freedom in Europe. I will be able to get away and clear my head so that I will be ready for the next 4 years or so of school. Traveling expenses are not my favorite thing in the world. But, there is no way to avoid spending all that money. Living in youth hostels will only save so much.

So that's basically it for the short version of an update on my life. I have allot going on right now but it's way to much to write. So you'll have to be patient for my next post. ^_^
As for now, that's it for the world outside my window.

vivo amare imparare
Hannah

Virtue

Does anyone know that feeling when you just want to scream at the top of your lungs until your voice compleatly breaks and you can't scream for one more second?

When every ounce of anger and bitterness all comes out at one moment and all those memories flood through your head. When all the things that have been done to you and all the betrayals start pooring down your face through the tears.

God, when everything you have accomplished and every goal, dream, achievement and talent seems to mean absolutely nothing!

I am going to make the understatement of the year. "I don't like that feeling."
I am finally seeing the pointlessness to the life I've been trying to make for myself. I mean sure, it would be nice to have a nice job, car, family eventually, but none of that is going to last! Nothing I can do now can really make me happy for the rest of my life.

Yes, this is an emotional blog. I am so pissed off right now I can't even explain it. So if this all seems a bit "bitter" that's because IT IS!

I'm sick of putting up with all the shit that comes with my life. It's stuff that I don't have to deal with but for some reason I feel like I should be gracious enough to put up with all of it. Being gracious towards others is one thing, being gracious to the point of getting yourself hurt physically and emotionally is another compleately.

In the past couple weeks I have been betrayed by people who I trusted, I have been verbally abused by people who would never actually raise a hand to me, and I have not once stood up to those people. It ends now. I am not saying that I plan on being a rude, mean, cold hearted person. I am saying that I am not going to just stand by and let other people run my life and hurt me anymore. This is my new resolution.

So if this blog were to have any true point to it, it would be this: Stand up for yourself, because God knows, most of the time no one else will stand up for you. If someone is abusing you verbally or physically don't just give in and let it continue. This is for all the people out there who have lost hope in recovering from whatever it is they are going through. Don't give up.