So it is becoming more and more common for me to open up my blogs with the lyrics of songs... I suppose that when I am lacking time to compose poetic illustrations of my life, other people's illustrations will have to suffice.
Dismantle Repair- Anberlin
"One last glance from a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks've felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Didn't want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said
Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change
I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you But the orchestra plays on, and they sang
Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change"
***********************
That was a quick little summary of a fragment of my life as of late. I have been dealing with allot in my life in the last few months, but in the end it all seems to just dismantle and repair itself. I don't know how, but in the last few months I've had many trials in my life, and yet, all I seem to be able to focus on is the good stuff. Thank God for that right. I could be focusing on my lack of car, (transmission just went out) my lack of money, (haven't been getting many hours at work) my being so sick that I can't work the shifts I do get, but, I've been focusing on the fact that I only have 6 months left of school, I have a couple internship offers, I have one job offer, I have this pretty great guy in my life that I'm slowly but surly pulling into my mess of what I call a life. I'm focusing on the good things!
As I said in my mess of an intro above, I've been going through ALLOT! Another thing to add to the list is that I have been having allot of problems in my church. There are a ton of people who are supposedly leaving because of me. And there have been people who are even trying to split the church apart. I've been attacked by one person, literally, physically attacked. And, I have to get a restraining order against said person. So my trust in God is being tested lately. But I've been praying and looking to Him for guidance and it all seems to be working out in the end. God has a sense of humor though because he keeps putting ironic things in my life to look at and go "really? God are you seriously going to make me deal with this too?" and He pretty much just says "yeah.... have fun. I'm here for you." At least everything is working out in the end though.
I've also been in school 40 hours a week and working about 21 hours a week lately. I thought I had allot more endurance until I started doing so much! I honestly have worked myself sick. I now have to take almost a week off from school and work so that I can recover. And believe me when I say that my school and my employer are not very happy about that.
A positive thing to bring up however, is this; School is going really well. I have become allot more confident in the things I do on a regular basis. I suppose that's a good thing seeing as how I plan on being a hair dresser for a living. If I wasn't comfortable then that would be very disconcerting for many people.
Anyway, that is the short update for now. I have to go get some sleep. Yes I know it's the middle of the morning, but this cold is taking a tole on me.
As of right now, that's all I can see of the world outside my window.
~The Misunderstood
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The World of Beauty & Fashion is a Cut Throat Business
So, it has been ages since I've given an update on my crazy life and I was sitting at home today and realized that it was about time I started writing again.
Thus, the crazy stories begin. In the last 4 months I have entered the beauty industry as a cosmetoligist. Doesn't sound dangerous right? Or does it...
I joined an academy near-ish to where I live and I thought it would just be a really fun way to get into the job field I really wanted to spend some serious years of my life in. Well, was I ever wrong about how fun it would be. Granted, it is fun some of the time, it is also a really cut throat world. When you get 30 or 40 women together in one building, 5 days a week, with no men around, the claws come out! I love my school so this isn't me talking smack about them, however, the kind of people who get into this industry scare me to death. I have never been the shy type, but when you have 5 or more women attacking you verbally at the same time and you know you have a good 7 months left to spend with them EVERY DAY, you shut the hell up and hunker down for the storm.
And the story continues. I also recently started back up at my old wonderfull job of Trader Joes. The job from which I fled about 8 months ago do to employee conflicts. After being in a cosmetology school for 4 months I've run back to TJ's with a whole new appreciation for the crazy people that work there. Cosmetologists make my co-workers look tame.
Anyway, that's all of an update I have time for today, but I will be back in the near future with more details about the crazy life into which I have been thrown.
Sometimes, spinning.
Sometimes, falling.
But always looking,
At the World Outside My Window.
Thus, the crazy stories begin. In the last 4 months I have entered the beauty industry as a cosmetoligist. Doesn't sound dangerous right? Or does it...
I joined an academy near-ish to where I live and I thought it would just be a really fun way to get into the job field I really wanted to spend some serious years of my life in. Well, was I ever wrong about how fun it would be. Granted, it is fun some of the time, it is also a really cut throat world. When you get 30 or 40 women together in one building, 5 days a week, with no men around, the claws come out! I love my school so this isn't me talking smack about them, however, the kind of people who get into this industry scare me to death. I have never been the shy type, but when you have 5 or more women attacking you verbally at the same time and you know you have a good 7 months left to spend with them EVERY DAY, you shut the hell up and hunker down for the storm.
And the story continues. I also recently started back up at my old wonderfull job of Trader Joes. The job from which I fled about 8 months ago do to employee conflicts. After being in a cosmetology school for 4 months I've run back to TJ's with a whole new appreciation for the crazy people that work there. Cosmetologists make my co-workers look tame.
Anyway, that's all of an update I have time for today, but I will be back in the near future with more details about the crazy life into which I have been thrown.
Sometimes, spinning.
Sometimes, falling.
But always looking,
At the World Outside My Window.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Head Over Heels In The Moment
"Now I'm speechless over the edge, I'm just breathless, I never thought that I'd catch this love bug again. Hopeless, head over heels in the moment, I never thought that I'd get hit by this love bug again."
Catchy isn't it? I swore I'd never like the Jonas Brother's or their music but those lyrics are definitely doing well to represent me right now. "head over heels in the moment." Anyone who has seen me lately has to be blind not to have noticed that I'm going absolutely crazy living in the moments that keep coming my way.
Have you ever realized how addicting it can be to just put it all out on the line and risk everything? Once you start it's thrilling and not something that is easy to let go of.
So, I suppose other than the "love bug" theme to that song, the living in the moment part is doing very well at representing what I've been keeping myself busy with. I started my own business which is both exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. I'm stressing over what I need to do to get it off the ground and start growing it. I'm selling Nutrilite vitamins and supplements as well as Artistry make-up, LOC, SA8, and Satinique products. Everything is going into construction mode right now as I go through the steps of training myself, building a website, and starting sales. It's a good thing to have a business in the health and beauty fields right now, no doubt, but it's really difficult getting yourself out there and promoting what you're doing. the term "cut throat" business comes to mind. I really love what I'm doing, and working for myself is the best feeling in the world. I don't have anyone to answer to except Big Brother, but now days who doesn't have to do that; well, with the exception of the mafia and the mob.
So everything is on the line with this. If it's not a sucess then it's going to be a disaster; no two ways about it. I'm trying to make enough time to keep posting updates but if I'm not around for a while, my appologies. Life is crazy, hectic, stressful, and still a lot of fun.
Stress is what I thrive on. And from where I'm sitting, it's all that I can see in the world outside my window.
vivo amare imparare
-Hannah
Catchy isn't it? I swore I'd never like the Jonas Brother's or their music but those lyrics are definitely doing well to represent me right now. "head over heels in the moment." Anyone who has seen me lately has to be blind not to have noticed that I'm going absolutely crazy living in the moments that keep coming my way.
Have you ever realized how addicting it can be to just put it all out on the line and risk everything? Once you start it's thrilling and not something that is easy to let go of.
So, I suppose other than the "love bug" theme to that song, the living in the moment part is doing very well at representing what I've been keeping myself busy with. I started my own business which is both exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. I'm stressing over what I need to do to get it off the ground and start growing it. I'm selling Nutrilite vitamins and supplements as well as Artistry make-up, LOC, SA8, and Satinique products. Everything is going into construction mode right now as I go through the steps of training myself, building a website, and starting sales. It's a good thing to have a business in the health and beauty fields right now, no doubt, but it's really difficult getting yourself out there and promoting what you're doing. the term "cut throat" business comes to mind. I really love what I'm doing, and working for myself is the best feeling in the world. I don't have anyone to answer to except Big Brother, but now days who doesn't have to do that; well, with the exception of the mafia and the mob.
So everything is on the line with this. If it's not a sucess then it's going to be a disaster; no two ways about it. I'm trying to make enough time to keep posting updates but if I'm not around for a while, my appologies. Life is crazy, hectic, stressful, and still a lot of fun.
Stress is what I thrive on. And from where I'm sitting, it's all that I can see in the world outside my window.
vivo amare imparare
-Hannah
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The World's Gone Crazy
Ok, to start off this post I want you to follow along with me and do a short checklist in your head as we go.
Number one: Have you ever done something extremely crazy and then looked back on the experience and asked yourself how you ever got up the nerve to do it?
Number two: Have you ever asked yourself a basic question that you should be able to answer about who you are and not been able to give yourself a straight answer?
Number three: Have you ever fallen for someone and actually taken a step of faith by just being completely honest with them and telling them exactly how you felt?
Number four: Were you thinking about one person throughout answering all of these questions?
Number five: If you weren't thinking about that one person before I asked number four, are you thinking about him or her now?
I am beginning to realize how extremely off the wall this post is becoming. It's completely unorganized, ridiculously cliche, and even worse, it's a very accurate representation of how my personal processing system is functioning right now. Rather depressing, no?
I've decided to take a step of faith and go on instinct rather than being in complete control at this point in my life. I'm doing what I can to keep my life from spinning completely out of control but I've come to the conclusion, yet again, that if I don't live my life then what's the point to being here. It's an interesting phenomenon, that we often realize that we are letting other's live our lives for us, we resolve to not let them control us anymore, and then we fall right back into the same old cycle. I suppose the point I'm poorly attempting to get across is this: screw the people who want to fit you into a box, hell no to the people who want you to be anything like them, and good rid ens to everyone who wants to have anything to do with how you process things!
To clarify, I am not saying this from a jaded point of view, I think everyone just needs a good wake up call sometimes to remind them that they need to live their lives and not worry about what other people think. I know I needed that. Boy, did I get a wake up call; now it's time for me to try to get that point across to you!
I have very little respect for those people who claim that they let other people have the primary say in their lives because they are trying to be "peace makers," or worse, "trying not to rock the boat." Those are pathetic excuses. So what if you rock the boat a bit, sometimes it needs to be done. Have you taken a good look around you lately and seen how screwed up this world is? Why would you want to take advice from anyone who's primary resource is People Magazine, or Vogue? Albeit, at times they have just as good a grasp on reality as advocates of Plato and Aristotle; that grasp being extremely poor.
Now, after my wonderful attempt to bash the modern media I would like to take one modern rock band who I think actually has a better grasp on things than most people I know. Below are lyrics to a song called "Crazy" by a band most people know, Simple Plan. I feel it important to point out that people often listen to these kinds of songs just because they have an awesome beat and amazing musicians but does anyone ever listen to what they're saying?
Number one: Have you ever done something extremely crazy and then looked back on the experience and asked yourself how you ever got up the nerve to do it?
Number two: Have you ever asked yourself a basic question that you should be able to answer about who you are and not been able to give yourself a straight answer?
Number three: Have you ever fallen for someone and actually taken a step of faith by just being completely honest with them and telling them exactly how you felt?
Number four: Were you thinking about one person throughout answering all of these questions?
Number five: If you weren't thinking about that one person before I asked number four, are you thinking about him or her now?
I am beginning to realize how extremely off the wall this post is becoming. It's completely unorganized, ridiculously cliche, and even worse, it's a very accurate representation of how my personal processing system is functioning right now. Rather depressing, no?
I've decided to take a step of faith and go on instinct rather than being in complete control at this point in my life. I'm doing what I can to keep my life from spinning completely out of control but I've come to the conclusion, yet again, that if I don't live my life then what's the point to being here. It's an interesting phenomenon, that we often realize that we are letting other's live our lives for us, we resolve to not let them control us anymore, and then we fall right back into the same old cycle. I suppose the point I'm poorly attempting to get across is this: screw the people who want to fit you into a box, hell no to the people who want you to be anything like them, and good rid ens to everyone who wants to have anything to do with how you process things!
To clarify, I am not saying this from a jaded point of view, I think everyone just needs a good wake up call sometimes to remind them that they need to live their lives and not worry about what other people think. I know I needed that. Boy, did I get a wake up call; now it's time for me to try to get that point across to you!
I have very little respect for those people who claim that they let other people have the primary say in their lives because they are trying to be "peace makers," or worse, "trying not to rock the boat." Those are pathetic excuses. So what if you rock the boat a bit, sometimes it needs to be done. Have you taken a good look around you lately and seen how screwed up this world is? Why would you want to take advice from anyone who's primary resource is People Magazine, or Vogue? Albeit, at times they have just as good a grasp on reality as advocates of Plato and Aristotle; that grasp being extremely poor.
Now, after my wonderful attempt to bash the modern media I would like to take one modern rock band who I think actually has a better grasp on things than most people I know. Below are lyrics to a song called "Crazy" by a band most people know, Simple Plan. I feel it important to point out that people often listen to these kinds of songs just because they have an awesome beat and amazing musicians but does anyone ever listen to what they're saying?
Tell me what's wrong with society
When everywhere I look I see
Young girls dying to be on TV
They wont stop 'til they've reached their dreams
***
Diet pills, surgery
Photoshop pictures in magazines
Telling them how they should be
It doesn't make sense to me
***
Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong
***
I guess things are not how they used to be
There's no more normal families
Parents act like enemies
Making kids feel like it's world war III
***
No one cares, no one's there
I guess we're all just too damn busy
Money's our first priority
It doesn't make sense to me
***
Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong
***
Is everybody going crazy?
Is everybody going crazy?
***
Tell me what's wrong with society
When everywhere I look I see
Rich guys driving big SUV's
While kids are starving in the streets
No one cares
No one likes to share
I guess life's unfair
***
Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something
***
something is wrong
Is everybody going Crazy?
Can anybody tell me what's going on
Tell me what's going on
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong
***
I think it's important to say that all I'm trying to get across by putting these lyrics out here for you to see is this: everybody really is going crazy! Why should you take advice from a world that lives like this? More importantly, why should you let them live your life for you? Do you really want to end up like everyone else? Just think about it.
That's the world I see out my window.
The worlds stupidity is what forces us to strive for something better.
I strive for this,
Vivo amare imparare
(I live to love and to learn)
~Hannah
Monday, March 30, 2009
CHANGE
Change is a terrifying word sometimes isn't it? The mere word signifies something that almost everyone fears, at least to some point. Just hearing that something is going to change sends people's heart rates through the roof; pulses sky rocket, and tempers flair. Just because something is changing though doesn't mean it's always a "bad" thing though of course. But, how often do we hear the word without immediately thinking of something bad that may happen? Not often.
So, speaking of change, my life is changing like crazy right now. Here's the deal, I'm now out of place in the work world. Oh yes, it's quite true. I quit my job on Thursday and my last day is going to be next Saturday. If the fact that I am now unemployed isn't terrifying in and of itself, I also have zero prospects for a new one. I'm trying to get a job at Starbucks; I'm trying to get a job at different restaurants; I'm trying to get a job at the river this summer. It's scary crap my friends. I hate not having a job. One of my great friends just got fired too, so, at least I have someone to mourn with right? heh, right.
Oh, next on the list, I adore being single most of the time OK, but lately it's been becoming a major pain in the neck! Everywhere I go I have friends trying to set me up with different guys, I have a ton of guys I know asking me out because they know I am now single, and I really do not enjoy turning people down. Having a significant other really does relieve some of the stress because being off the market can be really relaxing. Getting back into the game can be traumatizing too, no lie. I don't like being some object or prize to be won. It's disgusting.
At last, my list of things to accomplish in the next few months:
#1. Find a new job. (in the next few weeks)
#2. Find a really great guy. (giving that quite a few months)
#3. Learn how to play guitar. (give that more than a few months)
#4. Learn to speak Spanish. (who wants to take bets on if that will actually happen?)
#5. Write a new song. (And actually record it)
#6. Forget about the past as much as I can. (it's already happening believe it or not)
#7. Lose 15 more pounds and look amazing for summer (oh yes, it's happening)
#8. Get A's in my classes this semester (well on my way)
#9. Travel this summer. (Palm Springs, Washington; just a couple on the list)
#10. LOVE.
So that is my short short list of things I want to get done in the next few months (or so) and I am going to mark them off this summer as I go. There will be an update in a short time in which I will tell how many things I accomplished.
For now, I need to go get ready to leave. Oh what a busy busy life I have.
Stress, it's what pushes us to live; to love; and to learn.
As Always,
Vivo Amare Imparare
-Hannah
So, speaking of change, my life is changing like crazy right now. Here's the deal, I'm now out of place in the work world. Oh yes, it's quite true. I quit my job on Thursday and my last day is going to be next Saturday. If the fact that I am now unemployed isn't terrifying in and of itself, I also have zero prospects for a new one. I'm trying to get a job at Starbucks; I'm trying to get a job at different restaurants; I'm trying to get a job at the river this summer. It's scary crap my friends. I hate not having a job. One of my great friends just got fired too, so, at least I have someone to mourn with right? heh, right.
Oh, next on the list, I adore being single most of the time OK, but lately it's been becoming a major pain in the neck! Everywhere I go I have friends trying to set me up with different guys, I have a ton of guys I know asking me out because they know I am now single, and I really do not enjoy turning people down. Having a significant other really does relieve some of the stress because being off the market can be really relaxing. Getting back into the game can be traumatizing too, no lie. I don't like being some object or prize to be won. It's disgusting.
At last, my list of things to accomplish in the next few months:
#1. Find a new job. (in the next few weeks)
#2. Find a really great guy. (giving that quite a few months)
#3. Learn how to play guitar. (give that more than a few months)
#4. Learn to speak Spanish. (who wants to take bets on if that will actually happen?)
#5. Write a new song. (And actually record it)
#6. Forget about the past as much as I can. (it's already happening believe it or not)
#7. Lose 15 more pounds and look amazing for summer (oh yes, it's happening)
#8. Get A's in my classes this semester (well on my way)
#9. Travel this summer. (Palm Springs, Washington; just a couple on the list)
#10. LOVE.
So that is my short short list of things I want to get done in the next few months (or so) and I am going to mark them off this summer as I go. There will be an update in a short time in which I will tell how many things I accomplished.
For now, I need to go get ready to leave. Oh what a busy busy life I have.
Stress, it's what pushes us to live; to love; and to learn.
As Always,
Vivo Amare Imparare
-Hannah
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The Way I See Things
To start things off today; as you all can see it has been an extremely long time since my last post. This is partially due to the fact that I haven't had a whole lot of time lately and also because my life has been such a mess that I didn't feel like writing about anything. I'm back on my feet, and I'm here to stay.
I said my life has been a mess lately right. Well, that very well could be the understatement of the century but regardless, I finally found my way back to where and who I want to be. I find it amazing that one can lose him or herself without even noticing it and then when he or she wants to find who he or she was in the past it's a maze of mistakes and wrong turns that they look back on and can't believe they made.
All of this intro just to say that, I made a huge mistake and can't take it back. I found myself again. The person I found is slightly roughed up and bruised around the edges but she's back. I fell in love; I lost who I wanted to be; I turned into someone I swore I would never become; and when it was all said and done there was one thing I had to show for it; experience. I finally know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back. I know what wrong turns it takes to completely lose myself. Last of all, I've learned that I'm worth way more than I ever realized before. It still takes a long time for things to be resolved though. Everyone I know is more than well aware of how often I use lyrics from my favourite songs to describe the state of my life; so here are the lyrics that have been going through my head lately.
And people asking how I'm doing
But every question still has you in
I say I'm fine And I never think about you
But you're always on my mind
********************
Please speak slowly
My heart is learning
Teach me heartache
Stop this burning now
And now we're too far gone
Hope is such a waste
Every breath you take
You give me the burden's bitter taste
You promised that you'd stay
You say you want to go
Your lips provide a shelter to the
Things that I don't know
*********************
I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
**********
That's a short summary of the mess of lyrics that are cycling through my head like a tornado right now. I don't know what I'm doing with my life currently but I do know that whatever happens it's going to be epic because I'm done letting other people control what I do with my life. I was fooled into thinking I was in control for quite sometime, then I realized that someone I loved was pulling the strings. My life is God's. And I plan on letting him control it from here on out. I made my mistakes, I made my bed and now I have to lye in it but my life can only get better from here. This is one last song. This one is by me.
It's Not You
**
Stop pretending
That it's a picture perfect world.
Stop acting like my life is yours.
Don't deceive me
Like I'm a naive little girl.
I'm my own.
I'm not yours.
And I just want you to know
***
I'm through with the promises
That never will come true
I'm through with the pictures
That I dreamt up of you.
I'm through with the lies
Of an idealistic life.
If you ever come around again
I'll tear through you're disguise
***
What would you do
If you were in my shoes?
What would you say
If I'd ruined your whole day?
Better yet, what would you do
If I didn't give a damn about you?
***
Well that's the end I'm through.
It's not you.
If you were in my shoes?
What would you say
If I'd ruined your whole day?
Better yet, what would you do
If I didn't give a damn about you?
***
Well that's the end I'm through.
It's not you.
***
I am getting
That it's just not a perfect world.
I'm moving on I'm not your girl.
Don't believe me?
Well too bad 'cause you're not my man
I'm my own.
I'm not yours.
And I just want you to know
***
I'm through with the promises
That never will come true
I'm through with the pictures
That I dreamt up of you.
I'm through with the lies
Of an idealistic life.
If you ever come around again
I'll tear through you're disguise
***
What would you do
That never will come true
I'm through with the pictures
That I dreamt up of you.
I'm through with the lies
Of an idealistic life.
If you ever come around again
I'll tear through you're disguise
***
What would you do
If you were in my shoes?
What would you say If I'd ruined your whole day?
Better yet, what would you do
If I didn't give a damn about you?
***
Well that's the end I'm through.
It's not you.
***
It's not you-- It's not you
It's not you
It's not you
***
And that about does it for my view of the world outside my window. I hope you enjoyed this update. Keep checking in for updates and as always, feel free to tell me what you think.
Vivo Amare Imparare
Hannah
Thursday, January 15, 2009
An Endless Battle. (All Is Lost)
I sit here pondering exactly what makes people keep striving to live. After one has lost all that they ever wanted to live for what's the point to keep going? There's a point at which we all want to give in and sink into that grave because we feel it to be the all to easy escape. When darkness and light meet and we can't tell the difference between the two contrasting emotions and forces.Should faith be forgotten? Should that which we have been supposedly seeking after be tossed to the side of the road and trampled over on our way to a meaningless end? Who is to be the judge of whether or not our end is indeed meaningless or valuable?
After losing it all. All that I have held so dear and all that I have wanted to live for I realized there is a force that keeps pushing us. You can choose to ignore that force or you can choose to let it pull you along and hope and pray that in the end it will lead you to something better or more meaningful than what you have lost. I've been pushing back. Trying to remain in a place that is being torn apart piece by piece and will not be left standing even with me in it. I've been trying to fight the impossible fight and realized that it's a war I cannot win. The dark met the light and the two forces melded into something I couldn't understand. There's a choice. Love that which is lost forever or embrace that which could lead to joy.
I have not decided.
-Hannah
After losing it all. All that I have held so dear and all that I have wanted to live for I realized there is a force that keeps pushing us. You can choose to ignore that force or you can choose to let it pull you along and hope and pray that in the end it will lead you to something better or more meaningful than what you have lost. I've been pushing back. Trying to remain in a place that is being torn apart piece by piece and will not be left standing even with me in it. I've been trying to fight the impossible fight and realized that it's a war I cannot win. The dark met the light and the two forces melded into something I couldn't understand. There's a choice. Love that which is lost forever or embrace that which could lead to joy.
I have not decided.
-Hannah
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