The Way I See Things

To start things off today; as you all can see it has been an extremely long time since my last post. This is partially due to the fact that I haven't had a whole lot of time lately and also because my life has been such a mess that I didn't feel like writing about anything. I'm back on my feet, and I'm here to stay.

I said my life has been a mess lately right. Well, that very well could be the understatement of the century but regardless, I finally found my way back to where and who I want to be. I find it amazing that one can lose him or herself without even noticing it and then when he or she wants to find who he or she was in the past it's a maze of mistakes and wrong turns that they look back on and can't believe they made.

All of this intro just to say that, I made a huge mistake and can't take it back. I found myself again. The person I found is slightly roughed up and bruised around the edges but she's back. I fell in love; I lost who I wanted to be; I turned into someone I swore I would never become; and when it was all said and done there was one thing I had to show for it; experience. I finally know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back. I know what wrong turns it takes to completely lose myself. Last of all, I've learned that I'm worth way more than I ever realized before. It still takes a long time for things to be resolved though. Everyone I know is more than well aware of how often I use lyrics from my favourite songs to describe the state of my life; so here are the lyrics that have been going through my head lately.

And people asking how I'm doing

But every question still has you in

I say I'm fine And I never think about you

But you're always on my mind

********************

Please speak slowly

My heart is learning

Teach me heartache

Stop this burning now

And now we're too far gone

Hope is such a waste

Every breath you take

You give me the burden's bitter taste

You promised that you'd stay

You say you want to go

Your lips provide a shelter to the

Things that I don't know

*********************

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face

And it never feels out of place

And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace

I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

**********

That's a short summary of the mess of lyrics that are cycling through my head like a tornado right now. I don't know what I'm doing with my life currently but I do know that whatever happens it's going to be epic because I'm done letting other people control what I do with my life. I was fooled into thinking I was in control for quite sometime, then I realized that someone I loved was pulling the strings. My life is God's. And I plan on letting him control it from here on out. I made my mistakes, I made my bed and now I have to lye in it but my life can only get better from here. This is one last song. This one is by me.

It's Not You

**

Stop pretending

That it's a picture perfect world.

Stop acting like my life is yours.

Don't deceive me

Like I'm a naive little girl.

I'm my own.

I'm not yours.

And I just want you to know

***

I'm through with the promises

That never will come true

I'm through with the pictures

That I dreamt up of you.

I'm through with the lies

Of an idealistic life.

If you ever come around again

I'll tear through you're disguise

***

What would you do
If you were in my shoes?
What would you say
If I'd ruined your whole day?
Better yet, what would you do
If I didn't give a damn about you?
***
Well that's the end I'm through.
It's not you.

***

I am getting

That it's just not a perfect world.

I'm moving on I'm not your girl.

Don't believe me?

Well too bad 'cause you're not my man

I'm my own.

I'm not yours.

And I just want you to know

***

I'm through with the promises
That never will come true
I'm through with the pictures
That I dreamt up of you.
I'm through with the lies
Of an idealistic life.
If you ever come around again
I'll tear through you're disguise
***
What would you do

If you were in my shoes?

What would you say If I'd ruined your whole day?

Better yet, what would you do

If I didn't give a damn about you?

***

Well that's the end I'm through.

It's not you.

***

It's not you-- It's not you

It's not you

It's not you

***

And that about does it for my view of the world outside my window. I hope you enjoyed this update. Keep checking in for updates and as always, feel free to tell me what you think.

Vivo Amare Imparare

Hannah

Virtue

Does anyone know that feeling when you just want to scream at the top of your lungs until your voice compleatly breaks and you can't scream for one more second?

When every ounce of anger and bitterness all comes out at one moment and all those memories flood through your head. When all the things that have been done to you and all the betrayals start pooring down your face through the tears.

God, when everything you have accomplished and every goal, dream, achievement and talent seems to mean absolutely nothing!

I am going to make the understatement of the year. "I don't like that feeling."
I am finally seeing the pointlessness to the life I've been trying to make for myself. I mean sure, it would be nice to have a nice job, car, family eventually, but none of that is going to last! Nothing I can do now can really make me happy for the rest of my life.

Yes, this is an emotional blog. I am so pissed off right now I can't even explain it. So if this all seems a bit "bitter" that's because IT IS!

I'm sick of putting up with all the shit that comes with my life. It's stuff that I don't have to deal with but for some reason I feel like I should be gracious enough to put up with all of it. Being gracious towards others is one thing, being gracious to the point of getting yourself hurt physically and emotionally is another compleately.

In the past couple weeks I have been betrayed by people who I trusted, I have been verbally abused by people who would never actually raise a hand to me, and I have not once stood up to those people. It ends now. I am not saying that I plan on being a rude, mean, cold hearted person. I am saying that I am not going to just stand by and let other people run my life and hurt me anymore. This is my new resolution.

So if this blog were to have any true point to it, it would be this: Stand up for yourself, because God knows, most of the time no one else will stand up for you. If someone is abusing you verbally or physically don't just give in and let it continue. This is for all the people out there who have lost hope in recovering from whatever it is they are going through. Don't give up.

Do you trust me?

I haven't written in weeks. It's becoming hard to write about what's been going on.
So, I am going to do my best. The last two weeks have been very hard for me to even get time to write. I got sick a couple weeks ago and I am still not over it. It turned into a sinus infection and I thought I was going to have to go into the ER. (I really didn't want to do that). So, I didn't. I'm getting better though, I went to the doctor. My sister however has been in the hospital since last friday. She came down with pneumonia and since she's handicapped it's life threatening for her. They may or may not release her today. My family has not been home. They've all been at the hospital with her.

I've felt kind of selfish I must admit for wanting anyone to care about me and how I am doing when my sister is the one in the hospital. But, it's amazing how I've seen God take care of me through all of this. He brought some people back into my life and if one of them hadn't have been there for me on one of those nights I don't know what I would have done. I think sometimes God sends us people to be our own little angels in times of extreme need. That's what He has done for me.

Trust. What does it really mean to trust someone? I'm not sure I can even answer that question. I am however going to give it my best try. To trust someone, is to make yourself compleately vulnerable to them. I am not kidding. Trust is putting yourself in their hands and having faith in them that they are not going to hurt you or betray you. Trust is allowing someone the oppertunity to hurt you.

So tell me, how many people do you truly trust? It's not just something you can say. You can't say "oh yes I trust ____ they are such a great person." Do you mean what you say? Think about it. Do you really put yourself into someone else's hands and have faith in them that they will not betray you and will not hurt you and will always have your best interests in mind? I think the answer to that is, not very often. It's rare to find someone that you really can trust. Because even if someone is trustworthy, it doesn't mean we will always believe they are. We guard ourselves. We put up constant walls. We do every single thing that says we do not trust them, and then we say we do.

I will be honest. In my lifetime up until this point, there has only been one person outside of my family that I truly trust. I would trust them with my life. The strangest part about this is that I have never gotten that close to them. We are not best friends. We do not hang out 24/7. But I trust this person. Sometimes you don't understand things that happen to you, but you know when they are good or bad. I just want to point out with everything I am saying though that I don't think people really trust the people they say they do. Now, I do not think I have "trust" issues. It's not like I block out the whole world and will not let them in. So if I am fairly average, then it is a good possibility that people do not really trust the 10 or 15 people they are always saying they trust. Just a thought. Think about it.

Now, I don't post my music on here much. I'm not sure I ever have, but I am going to share a song I wrote. I'm not quite sure why, but I want people to see this one. Story time. I wrote it about a guy. (yeh shocker right.) I have only ever written one other thing about him. That is the odd part. One person is usually inspiration for 5 or 10 works of mine whether they be music or poetry, but this one, has inspired only two things. I think the reason for that is because I never feel that I can fully show through words how great he is. *rolls eyes* I am starting to sound oh so cliche. Sorry about that. Anyway, I have trashed so many things that I've written about this guy because I didn't think they did him justice. So here is my new work. I want some honest opinions on it. I am going to post below the new song, and the older poem. (also written about him.)

Here you go.

Confessions of A Teenage Heart

V.1
The rain is falling on my face
Yet all I feel's the warmth of your embrace.
I can't go on without you here.
You wash away all my deepest fears.

Chorus.
Some say you're like a drug to me
'Cause I'm addicted to your love.
I say you're like my medicine.
Don't they see you make me well?
Trust is such a tasking thing
When you've seen the things I've seen.
But trust's never been more obvious
Than it is with you and me.

V.2
Oh time is passing on and on
And what I've learned is not to waste my words.
I know you can see right through me
Yes you always have through all these years.

Bridge.
You came into my life.
You gave me back my heart.
And now they all say we are a work of art.
Will you ever see
When you stand next to me
How my heart will always skip.. A beat.

V.3
Boy I am learining every day
That I can love you more than words can say.
Oh I wish I could make you see
Your words always have a way with me.

Chorus.
Some say you're like a drug to me
'Cause I'm addicted to your love.
I say you're like my medicine.
Don't they see you make me well?
Trust is such a tasking thing
When you've seen the things I've seen.
But trust's never been more obvious
Than it is with you and me.

Chorus.
Some say you're like a drug to me
'Cause I'm addicted to your love.
I say you're like my medicine.
Don't they see you make me well?
Trust is such a tasking thing
When you've seen the things I've seen.
But trust's never been more obvious
Than it is with you and me.

****************************************************

Merciful Vow

Darkness is crowding me, with no place to hide.
There's a fear that wont cease, a pain that wont subside.
As my life goes by, ticking just as a clock,
I hear on my door a soft beating knock.
I want to cry out, though fearing no one will hear,
But then I remember that you will be near.
Through the darkness, the anguish, the cruel hearted hate,
You are here as my comfort and a guide of my way.

Somehow you see through the tears and the pain of my life,
A beauty so faint because of it's strife.
When no one else listens and no one else hears,
You always understand my faint hearted fears.
You are my friend, my hope, my gift from above,
The one God has given me by His mercy and love.
He has given me a friend, a friend who is true.
He has given me a friend, honest through and through.

As your prayer for me, so is my prayer for you,
That God will always be a comfort to you.
Though I don't know all your fears and your pain,
I will always tell you to call on His name.
Thank you for the joys and the laughter that you've given me.
For now, to my heart, you hold a key.
You are now free to come and to go,
For you will never be my heart's foe.

You have my trust, you have my peace,
You now have all of what you've given to me.
For what I've been given, I now give in return.
My faith in you has been fully earned.
No matter what, I will not take it back,
For that would be the cruelest of acts.
So I pray God will keep you from tears and the pain.
If he does not you can call on my name.
I will come to you in your darkest of times,
So that, my friend, you will not become blind.
Blind to the laughter and joys you could face,
If you only remain in God's glorious grace.



As Always,
Vivo amare imparare.

~Hannah~