The Way I See Things

To start things off today; as you all can see it has been an extremely long time since my last post. This is partially due to the fact that I haven't had a whole lot of time lately and also because my life has been such a mess that I didn't feel like writing about anything. I'm back on my feet, and I'm here to stay.

I said my life has been a mess lately right. Well, that very well could be the understatement of the century but regardless, I finally found my way back to where and who I want to be. I find it amazing that one can lose him or herself without even noticing it and then when he or she wants to find who he or she was in the past it's a maze of mistakes and wrong turns that they look back on and can't believe they made.

All of this intro just to say that, I made a huge mistake and can't take it back. I found myself again. The person I found is slightly roughed up and bruised around the edges but she's back. I fell in love; I lost who I wanted to be; I turned into someone I swore I would never become; and when it was all said and done there was one thing I had to show for it; experience. I finally know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back. I know what wrong turns it takes to completely lose myself. Last of all, I've learned that I'm worth way more than I ever realized before. It still takes a long time for things to be resolved though. Everyone I know is more than well aware of how often I use lyrics from my favourite songs to describe the state of my life; so here are the lyrics that have been going through my head lately.

And people asking how I'm doing

But every question still has you in

I say I'm fine And I never think about you

But you're always on my mind

********************

Please speak slowly

My heart is learning

Teach me heartache

Stop this burning now

And now we're too far gone

Hope is such a waste

Every breath you take

You give me the burden's bitter taste

You promised that you'd stay

You say you want to go

Your lips provide a shelter to the

Things that I don't know

*********************

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face

And it never feels out of place

And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace

I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

**********

That's a short summary of the mess of lyrics that are cycling through my head like a tornado right now. I don't know what I'm doing with my life currently but I do know that whatever happens it's going to be epic because I'm done letting other people control what I do with my life. I was fooled into thinking I was in control for quite sometime, then I realized that someone I loved was pulling the strings. My life is God's. And I plan on letting him control it from here on out. I made my mistakes, I made my bed and now I have to lye in it but my life can only get better from here. This is one last song. This one is by me.

It's Not You

**

Stop pretending

That it's a picture perfect world.

Stop acting like my life is yours.

Don't deceive me

Like I'm a naive little girl.

I'm my own.

I'm not yours.

And I just want you to know

***

I'm through with the promises

That never will come true

I'm through with the pictures

That I dreamt up of you.

I'm through with the lies

Of an idealistic life.

If you ever come around again

I'll tear through you're disguise

***

What would you do
If you were in my shoes?
What would you say
If I'd ruined your whole day?
Better yet, what would you do
If I didn't give a damn about you?
***
Well that's the end I'm through.
It's not you.

***

I am getting

That it's just not a perfect world.

I'm moving on I'm not your girl.

Don't believe me?

Well too bad 'cause you're not my man

I'm my own.

I'm not yours.

And I just want you to know

***

I'm through with the promises
That never will come true
I'm through with the pictures
That I dreamt up of you.
I'm through with the lies
Of an idealistic life.
If you ever come around again
I'll tear through you're disguise
***
What would you do

If you were in my shoes?

What would you say If I'd ruined your whole day?

Better yet, what would you do

If I didn't give a damn about you?

***

Well that's the end I'm through.

It's not you.

***

It's not you-- It's not you

It's not you

It's not you

***

And that about does it for my view of the world outside my window. I hope you enjoyed this update. Keep checking in for updates and as always, feel free to tell me what you think.

Vivo Amare Imparare

Hannah

Responsibility

So today is just going to be me talking about my life. I know this is not the typical type of writing I do. I usually talk about certain topics relevent to most people's lives, but today I am going to talk about myself.

So I have come to a realization about my family. The more I grow up and become more independent, the more my parents pull me in every direction trying to keep my their little girl. They stretch me to the max just to prove that I'm not mature enough to deal with things in life and that I should still rely on them. Does this seem wrong to anyone else besides me?

I mean come on. I understand parents being hard pressed to let their little girl, their last born grow up, because they are scared to lose her. No, I do not have a problem with that, but when they purposely try to stretch you out in all areas of your life just so that you won't want to go, now that is something I have a problem with!

I am a fairly independent person. I have a job, a car, I can pay for my own food if I need to, I'm not required to pay rent yet because I'm only 16 and my parents are not going to charge me untill I am 18, but I could pay rent if required. Yet, even though I am proving that I am learning to be mature and responsible with finances, with people, and with my life in general, they still feel they should treat me as a child. I understand certain restrictions on things I should be allowed to and not allowed to do. I am only 16 afterall; but I don't think I should be treated as if I am not mature, responsible, independent, or intelligent!

Now you may think that this is just another teenage girl venting on her parents. We all do that sometimes, but that's not what I am trying to do right now. Yes, I will admit that there is a certain amount of hostility in this blog, but that is mostly because of the load of stress I am under right now. My point to most of this is just this simple: What one of my views of the role of a parent should be is this, a parent is the one who gives you life, but they should also train you up to be a mature and responsible adult so that you can be independent and function in the world on your own. I think that a person who does not do this really is not accomplishing their role. My parents should be teaching me the skills I need in life and the responsibility to use them so that I can live on my own. This is what I think all parents should be doing.

Lately I've been under alot of stress because I have a new job. I got this job so that I could save up to move out. My parents know that this is my plan, and they have also been fighting me on the subject of moving out ever since I first brought it up. Therefore, they are happy that I got this job, but also unhappy at the same time because they know what I am saving the money for. So in return they have been putting alot of strain on me to do things and not do things just because they want me to depend on them more. They restrict me from alot more things than they used to, and they require more of me than I think should be required.

Well, this is just a little bit about my life right now. I do have alot more to say but alas I do not have the time to type it out right now. Hey, who knows, maybe I'll write a book someday. Well as for now, this is just the world outside my window.

As always,

"vivo amare imparare"

Hannah