Catch A Glimpse

When my world comes crashing down around me I tend to spiral out of control. We all know this is a somewhat common happening. Well, I was told I'm not allowed to spiral out of control this time to cope. I have to be strong. I have to do stuff for myself to make myself feel better. I have to not beat myself up. Well for the first time in my life I really want to keep the promise I made to do this. I always say I won't drink or smoke my sorrows away but I do anyway. This time, I feel almost as though it is a last chance to prove my love; To prove that I will do anything for the person I made this promise to. To regain the trust I so tragically threw away in one drunken night.

You know who you are, and if you are reading this, never, under any circumstances, forget how much I love you. Whether time heals the wounds or the distance lasts forever, never forget my love.

This is my text that will live on forever; after we both are gone. In hopes to remind lovers of the tragedy that can be had from the follies of one poor night; That it is possible to lose the love of your life because of one poor decision. I pray that this is not my fate. I pray for forgiveness and for grace and for truly inspired trust to carry us through. If that is not granted to me however, I will never forget this text; I will never leave it off of my person. It will be a constant reminder to me of the follies of my youth.

Catch A Glimpse

Perfection.
There is no more to say.
Beauty that cannot be washed away.
We caught a glimpse of love.
It's lost in the disaster of one moment.

Regret haunts a soul that was free.
Lost again.
Drowning in the drink.
Forgetting troubles isn't that easy.

A promise to be strong.
A promise to not be me.
A promise to keep going.
Don't let myself be beat.

A promise that proves love?
Maybe.
Last chance to say I'm sorry?
Possible again to become free?
Unlikely.

Given up all hopes.
Thrown away true love
Like one more shot thrown back.
Move on.It's all in the past.

Be strong.
Don't be beat.
Do for yourself;
After all, you're the one in need.

I won't move on.
I must be strong.
Can't forget all of my wrongs.

Won't give in until love returns.
Only love will heal these burns.
Time to recover.
Time to retreat.
Time again,
Don't hit repeat.

I'm done with the past.
Won't drink it away again.
Will it ever be forgiven;
This unspeakable sin?

Love.
Him.

Merry Christmas

Or whatever you want to call it. Seriously now, whatever you want to call the holiday is fine with me. But what I'm calling it is Christmas.

As the end of the year approaches there are many things I've learned. Some of these I have learned the easy way and others I have learned through allot of difficult experiences. First of all, I learned that I have been lying to myself for a long time. By the way, I would be lying to you too if I said this is going to be an upbeat post. But as I was saying, I was lying to myself for a long time. One of the things I have always said I lived by and I encouraged my friends to live by as well is to live your own life. I have always said I live my life and don't let anyone live it for me. I was wrong about that. For so long I've really been letting people control me. I've been letting my fear of what people think of me control the way I act. But I'm not letting that happen anymore. That's one of my soon to be new years resolutions.

Something else I've learned this year is that I am not invincible. I've been sick since May and I'm not really getting much better. I need to go see a nutritionist and have tons of stuff done to help my immune system and it terrifies me. Thus, invincibility seems to be unachievable to me at the current time.

What else is there that I've learned? I learned that I'm not as good at putting up walls as I thought I was. Hannah's inner dialogue once said "I'm not even going to have a boyfriend until I'm finished getting my AA. That way I can focus on school and what's really important. Besides, what guy is going to be interested in me anyway when I'm this busy?" My inner dialogue was wrong! Since I last thought that my life has completely changed. I found someone amazing and I'm really happy with him. I never thought that I would find someone as early in life as I have. But I'm completely thrilled I have. If you want to know more about this you'll just have to email me and ask. No more pointless details now. But to finish up with this, I have learned allot about what love is and how much commitment it requires. Love isn't that lovey dovey stuff you always hear about. It's being completely committed to someone through the best and worst of times. Emphasis on the worst of times. That requires allot of maturity which I was really amazed to find out I actually have.

Back to the Christmas part of this blog. My family celebrated Christmas yesterday on Christmas Eve which is according to our tradition and it was one of the best Christmas's I've ever had. I really loved spending time with my family and of course I got good gifts. New laptop anyone? I got a new laptop for the new semester. This is something that will definitely help with my English class. My laptop was by far my favourite present this year. But the best part of Christmas was still spending it with my family. Of course it would have been nice to spend it with this special guy that I mentioned above but alas, we will have to wait a couple more days to see each other. Oh thank you holidays for depriving me of a social life.

Now, what's the new year looking life for me you may ask. I'm going to be busy! It's called school and work my friends; school and work are the two things that take up my whole life. There will be far more work this semester than last semester however. Two days a week will be devoted to school from 9am till 10pm. The rest of the days will be devoted to work. Growing up is not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be when I was younger and daydreaming about being an adult.

This concludes my Christmas blog and my view of the world outside my window for today.

I hope everyone has a great Christmas, and if you don't hear from me again until January have a wonderful new year.

As always,
Vivo amare imparare
-Hannah

My New Life

Pretty intimidating title right? My new life is also rather intimidating I must say.

So get ready for a crazy update that will include some of what I've been going through in the last couple months. I also apologize for this new post taking so long to write. I've just been far to busy to do anything concerning free time.

So I'm a college student now!!! Yes, it is true. I graduated early from high school which most of my friends already know, but I'm also going to Folsom Lake College and am attempting to get my AA in Journalism. My life has taken a turn towards the insane category as of late. I'm not only going to college and taking 12 units, but I am also working part time at Trader Joe's still. With these two somewhat exhausting things in my life I am trying to keep from burning out.

College is insane. Yes this is what I have to say about my first semester in college. I love it. I hate it. I am learning allot. I am also missing allot. I am currently taking four classes: Sociology 300, Philosophy 350 (Philosophy of Religion), English 300, and Nutrition 300. Yes that totals up to 12 units. I am a full time student and I am trying desperately to keep up with all my work. I have a midterm due on Wednesday that I was privileged to take home with me this week, and I have a midterm on Wednesday night for my philosophy class. School is not my favourite part of my life. I will tell you that much right now. I would rather not be taking so many classes but it was kind of a requirement if I wanted to keep living at home.

Work is equally as insane as college. I am desperately attempting to work as many hours as possible and still keep up with my school work. I recently decided to ask for training in other areas in the store so that I will be able to work even more hours than I already am. Yes, this is going to cost me allot more sleep than I am already loosing. I am currently only getting 6 hours of sleep a night. And that is only if I'm LUCKY to get that much. Work drama bugs the hell out of me. I'm not going to lie. I get really sick of it really fast and it just stresses people out for no reason whatsoever. I'm determined to not stress over it though because people can say and think what they wish about me, but that's not going to change any portion of reality. Yes, I have only recently come to this realization but God knows I'm happy I finally realized it. =D

Love? You know I always include a paragraph about love. It's just a major part of my life that I feel shows allot about who I am as a person. Of course I'm going to tell people about what shows the most of who I am. Love is a word that I think I didn't fully understand until just recently. I know I have written about it in the past and I only wrote to the extent of my knowledge of what it truly means. According to Merriam Webster Online, (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Love) love is:

1 a (1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b: an assurance of love 2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1): a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2)British —used as an informal term of address

I don't think this definition even comes close to defining what love in it's truest, most complete form consists of. Love is the willingness to forfeit ones own existence for another. It is a bond that throws all sense of selfishness and conceitedness out the window. It is as if all of one's own ambitions no longer matter but it is the happiness of the one whom he or she loves that is the most important thing in the entire world. If you ask me if I speak from experience my only response is that of a simple word: Yes. I do speak from experience. Now this is not to say that love couldn't be even more than this, but it is to say that I have finally understood love to this extent.

So this is my life as of the past few months. Mind you, this is an extremely short summarizing of my life. I will try to keep you more updated in the future. It will just depend on the time I have to myself so that I can write this blog. As of today however, this is all for the world outside my window.

Remember always,
Vivo Amare Imparare
-Hannah

The tragedies of over thinking and under acting

Ok, I am going to start this blog off by saying, that below is something I wrote last night. I did not have a computer so I did something extreamly out of character. I picked up a pen and some paper and started to scrawl it out. I have not done that for a very long time, but this was far to important to leave to write till the next day. This blog is directed more towards women than men. But you guys are welcome to read it, maybe you will learn a few things too.

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This is one for all you cynics out there.
Why is it that so constantly, all of the seemingly "good" men out there are often attached to women who's IQ's are lower than Britney Spear's and Paris Hilton's IQ's pooled together? Come on ladies, Haven't most of us thought this at least once in our life, even if it was only for a moment? Is it because they feel impowered because they are smarter? (I use the word "smart" loosly) Is it all just a power trip? Do "they," those females who laugh at everything and seem to think only about nonsense really have anything we are incapable of posessing?

All of my writing up until this point seems to be nothing but a never ending stream of questions. However, I am now going to give some of my answers. First off, why do men choose the above described type of women? I do not have an answer for this. Now wait! Before you give up and decide not to read any further because I am dissapointing you, STOP! I am going to say something important. Ready? Not all men choose women like that. Just because he may appear "good" does not mean he is. Also, the type of woman a man chooses says alot about him.

What do you think when you see a guy who is out with a total, well, a total tramp? Do you think he is dating her to find out what her favourite book is? I think not. But there are a few "good" men out there who truely not only appear good, but indeed are. Ladies, what I am trying to say is this: THERE IS HOPE!! Do not settle. Never settle for less, because one of those good ones may come along one day and you will be taken, so he will move on.

Now, time for some tough love. Not all of the blame can be placed on men for dating the type of women I described earlier. You may complain and say that it is unfair that "he" would choose someone like that over you. But hear me now. There is always a reason. Now for that tough love. I said earlier, do they "really have anything we are incapable of posessing?" The answer to that is no. Flat out NO. However, they do have some things many of us often ignore as being important qualities when we are in a relationship.

1. A good sense of humor
2. Enjoying HIM. (don't panic! info to come.)
3. Having fun

Now as far as number one is concerned, a good sense of humor is key. Ok, now I am going to be a bit "harsh" as some of my friends call me. Many women refuse to find their man's jokes funny. Now, do not get me wrong, I know that alot of the time, they are not funny, but when they are, we often refuse to laugh. This is a strange phenomenon, but you must agree that it often occurs.

Number two. Enjoying HIM. Ok, this probably comes accross as confusing to some of you, but I will try to explain myself. Enjoy who he is, not who you want to make him into. Laugh at his dumb jokes. Love how he can make you laugh at anything. Tell him how much you adore that he can always cheer you up just by being there. LET him cheer you up. All these things seem totally simple right? that's because they are! We are often just to preoccupied with thinking because of that high IQ of our's that we forget to do the little things.

Number three. Have fun. I know what you are thinking. "She's kidding right? We all know how to have fun." Well I am not going to tell you how to have fun, but I am going to tell you it is something we often overlook. Why? Let me give you an example. You are cooking an amazing, romantic dinner for you and your significant other. The pasta burns. You spill sugar all over the floor. (OH MY GOSH!! ANTS!) And your precious dog decides to chew up your favourite pair of shoes. Therefore, he get's there and says, "let's go to the pizza parlor." Are you likely going to have much fun under the circumstances? No. Why? Because you are stressed out because you think everything was ruined for the night. Here is what you should learn to do. Let go of yourself. Have fun. Because, no matter where you are, what you are eating, or what you are wearing on your feet, all that matters is him. We get so stressed out that we forget to have fun. So remember to enjoy him, because it is the most important thing.

Just doing these three little things makes you more appealing to those "good" men. Why? Because they want the real you. Not the stressed out, compleatly not fun version you become once you have a boyfriend. Like I tell many people, my motto is "vivo amare imparare." English, "I live to love and to learn." Live your life. Love those people you have, and learn from that which you love so dearly.

Now as a fun, slightly demented and yet quirky side note, I would like to share a break up quote that one of my best friends shared with me.

There are phases of a break up

1. Not believing it's true.

2. Realizing it is true.

3. Crying because you feel as if you have lost your best f riend.

4. ANGER.

5. Considering thoughts of keying his car.

6. Keying his car with your friends.

7. Regretting keying his car.

8. Finalizing that you will never talk to him again.

Now that you have read something slightly humorous, I ask that you put up with me just a little bit longer.

I do not claim to be an expert on romance. God know's I've done my fair share of ruining good things myself. However, I have learned some from my many mistakes. I've gone through the "being jaded" phase, where I wouldn't let any guy into my heart. Believe me though, that is a mistake. The facts are these: Men will love you. Men will hurt you. Men will betray you. And one day, you will find the one you are meant to be with forever. He will love you. He will hurt you; but he will never betray you. "patience is a virtue."; it is a virtue that we should all strive to have. So I am not going to say that "one day your prince will come." I find that far to cliche. (besides, we all know that princes have major power trips. Egotism as well. I think it comes from "saving" to many maidens.) I will say this: One day, you will see clearly. I cannot say what you will see, or when this will h appen. It's different for everyone, but when it happens, everything will feel right, even if only for that moment.

As Always,

"vivo amare imparare"

~Hannah~